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Almost : a closure to the truth, my truth of a year

Hey ! I haven’t been on it for a minute and I want to apologize… better yet, let me explain. One minute life is good, the next hell breaks loose and taints your world. That’s sorta what happened to me. I don’t do this often especially not here but it’s been 2 months of me wanting to voice out my truth and weight of my heart. I’ll try to keep it short (it’s no), and be aware this becomes quite personal. Here’s a part of my story below:

About a year ago (almost) I discovered somebody. A boy to be exact. I didn’t know for sure where things would lead but quickly enough “we were lead”. After 3 years in the making, I thought, “God, this is really it?! This is really happening?! He’s the one?!” Confirmation after confirmation came and I got the message. I was excited but also scared. You see, with love, the love I’ve experienced, there has always been pain. And this time, would be different; and this time would be the last time; I promised and made a pact with God and remained committed and faithful.

Well, about 10 months ago (almost) he took me to the side and asked me “would you be mine?” I said “yes”. I mean we’d already spoke courtship, wants, aspirations/goals and such, and not to mention, he’d already seemed committed with what seemed genuinely, everlasting “I love yous”, “You’re the lady of my dreams”, “God gave me you” and “Gave you me.” I fell for it all, after I prayed so hard behind the scenes. I was confident this was it.

First two months went great and then we more so started bumping heads. We both would mess up – do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing etc. We fell short. We were trying to both love and learn one another, however we took every mishap to back away or try to hurt one another without realizing it. In my point of view, I was the one compromising most, because I wanted to be submissive however it started to affect me because I began to feel as though he did not respect who I was and my emotions. There was no such thing as balance for him and after a while I let his words, his daily criticism, his change in attitude play a major role in affecting my joy, my peace.

I made the biggest mistake letting him in 98% and let him slide with him giving me 60% of him. I should’ve known to back away as he was but I didn’t because he kept reaffirming me all was well, and I took it. He would guilt me and like bash me in a sense for doubting or questioning. So I would always feel bad even when he’d say “You deserve better than me Christine… you’re too good to me” I’d always hurt because I would never down anyone and I loved him too. However, eventually enough was enough. I began tearing at the seams the more he’s make me feel inferior, insignificant, unappreciative and crazy. And you’re probably asking, how? Well let me tell you.

I use to drink. No, not an alcoholic or buck wild but I drank. I had and still have a thing for wine, but I’ll be glad to say I’ve not touched LQ since late June. It’s late October now, you do the math 🙂 Before our relationship, he knew and said he was fine with it as long as it wasn’t out of hand and it wasn’t. Prior, I’d drink some wine maybe once a week when I’d go out. I managed to cut down to 1-2 times a month when we first dated, but he stressed so much and made me feel so bad, I set a goal that I was unprepared for, broke it, lied then confessed. Trust shattered then and I was forever always reminded for it from then on. I drank, he didn’t, so it seemed to always be reason enough to hang it above my head as though I wasn’t worthy enough.  What pissed me off more was, what happened to, growing together and you being ok with it in first place? Anyway, that’s over with.

I gained weight. I was never in ‘perfect’ shape but I gained weight. Why? Stress. I was always on the go. I drove. Yes always me. I didn’t have too much an issue because he affirmed this was it and we loved each other, so I thought, and love can call for sacrifice and/or compromise. I had the car, he didn’t and that was that. I was always moving and my eating habits were poor while on the go. He started picking at it every chance he got. Meanwhile, yes while he’s stocky, he sure wasn’t “in shape” (and I have photos, believe that). Come to find out 6 months in, as I was feeling sickly for some time (2-3 months), my health shifted with few flags but nothing specific. He left me shortly after over the phone one night after I was questioning his support because he said several times very questionable statements.

Anyway, rewind, I’ve only given few detailed (almost) examples, but I can run through list… he never had my back and defended me, he’d always side with his brother and/or girlfriend before me even though he’d always talk bad about them and told me that from time we started dating, “they” were like “jealous” of what we had and my personality, lifestyle, Christian walk etc. He says he never talked about me badly but I was told otherwise by his brother’s gf, he’s always make sure to make me look bad infront of my friends and his. He always delayed me meeting people and never respected me as a person to formally do so. There was always an excuse. If i fell short, he’d always make sure to like punish me and not follow through with plans, disappear, and NOT effectively communicate at all, he’d exaggerated few things and lie on me, take his brother’s criticisms about me as his own, meanwhile was i dating his brother enough to know me? were we ever even buddies like that? Anyway, eventually I got mad. I couldn’t take it anymore. From the words to treatment. I couldn’t. I loved him but it was hard feeling alone and misunderstood, always. I wanted him to listen and understand and actually get back to committing to pray and do bible study with me, but once again…. always an excuse. He wasn’t committed.

I won’t lie, I fell short too. I started feeling depression because the relationship stressed me in how he talked to me, react with me, and make me feel inferior for not being this “perfect” being all of a sudden. I couldn’t fit a mold and i never did before but somehow he changed, and I got very depressed, anxious and frustrated. I no longer could communicate proper. I began to always have too much to say or ask. I just wanted understanding and peace. eventually that turned into resentment because he just refused to come to terms with me on nearly everything. My heart started breaking, my hope started falling and I got angry. I started being  impatient, rude, and nasty. I fell into a funk. I started having flashbacks even to a prior sour relationship where I had been abused and quiet for some time. I no longer had his love and I could feel it. I tried my best but it was not good enough, yet still he’d reaffirm me and I him because I knew for sure I loved him, and I did have faith he loved me and that THIS was a rough patch.

Surely enough, 3 months ago (almost) everything ended. Relationship over, and he fed me all the words he could. You know the “lets be friends” which I wasn’t opposed to but something in my heart just felt like he was lying to cover up, and something in me kept trying to figure it out. He swore up and down consistently saying he still wanted to fulfill things with me, would never abandon me aand actually be better to me as a friend. Well, as you can see now, all lies.

It was over but I took him on a July 4th trip with me. Then he took me to the fair with his sibling, then he wanted space. we were good he reaffirmed, he just needed some time, and frankly, so did I, and so I gave it. I tried and it was hard, and this is where it gets messy. I reached out to one of his friends, actually three – biggest mistake right there! Long story short, it turned into a whole scandal. He made me aware in fact and I listened to his trutths and anger as I always did when he talked of his friends and what not. From the jump, I was openly honest with every single detail. He promised high and low he had my back and would handle the gossip and lies because he’s sick of this person being like this, and that person being like that, and how could professed Christians do such a thing to someone so innocent, and that he doesnt tolerate or keep such deceiving friends. Well, that was my 2nd mistake: believing & trust him once again all because I still respected him and i loved him, and before all of them he was supposedly my friend right? Wrong. I didn’t contact or defend myself as I wanted because he promised he’d handle, but again not in my interest. It turn upside down and all of a sudden he handled his and disappeared without a word.

I WAS BROKEN. I WAS LOST. I WAS HURT. I WAS CONFUSED. I WAS BLIND SIDED. I AS ALONE. I WAS ABANDONED AND LEFT BETRAYED. Who ended up trying to sort a long time mess amongst friends I never even meant to trigger? Me! I did the most not because it’s who I am but because I wanted everyone to know the truth, my truth, and that I was desperately sorry and regretful for every even seeking genuine insight from HIS “friends”.

Anyway the story ends like this: He ghosted and I was broken hearted, lost and confused. Left with an inconsolable pain and lots more anxiety. But then the tip of the iceberg; y’all remember his bro’s gf? she hits me up on some “don’t be talking to my man and disrespecting our relationship…” I losed all my cool from then on. I was mad, but before so, I tried to contact him non stop to put a stop to this harassment and bully-gossip nonsense that seemed to have no end for me – and i never asked for it! He was G H O S T. and he expected me to just suck it up! But how could one keep being  punching bag? I blew up. I said things out of shear anger because I just want getting any understanding/ communication back. The same guy who said he still loved me even days before just G O N E. And that’s how the story goes. In the end it all was deemed to be ALL MY fAULT, and I the BAD GUY  because apparently I was supposed to just somehow be still as usual under so much stress (breakup, new job, health, lying-gossiping friends, accusations and disrespect against my character). *tears* I really am crying as I write this y’all….

I just wanted my friend. The one who made those promises and said he had my back. The one who I thought saw my heart. The one who said he’s a Christian but so iinconsiderate of me. The one who loved me. I just wanted my friend. The one I let in and would talk to about everything. The one who actually violated my privacy into my phone when I was asleep to read messages between my parents and I. The one who criticized me very harsh but at same time pushed me to do better because I did wanna be better, but just on my time, not his. sigh… a million things to say, but I’ll leave it at that.

I was left to cancel and lose money out on a $2000+ surprise 29th birthday trip I booked for us.

I was left to see him dating again less than 3 months after with someone who he once said wasn’t his “type” because he wanted a Christian woman and woman with all qualities I had. With a woman who acts like a guru of love and relationships who actually spent hours with me on phone to ‘pour into me” and even offer advice which once i actually followed, and it actually blew up in my face, and I told her, and she suddenly was like “oh no sis… xyz…” and put it all on me. Yeah, I swallowed it and took it on myself bc I just figured what’d I have to lose “speaking my truth” since I loved him, as she would emphasize. Yeah… pictures and all online, but months of dating and he would always say “I dont’ like people in my business’ but here he was, regardless serious date or not, and blatantly he’s on Instagram, Facebook, the whole 9, pictures posted with permission and all for her to rave about dating him. Fancy restaurant too. Hmn, wonder what happened to dating on the stoop? I say this very specifically bc of one of her videos and one of our convos. What happened to, she’s not my type? She this & she that?

Well anyway, I stopped going to a church he was mainly going to – where we met in fact. Suddenly week after week, he was at one I felt God was leading me too. I stayed above it. No hi’s or hellos week after week. Fast forward he’ll see me in person, not say a word but text me after about haircut suggestions or “are you ok?”but why. Oh and best of all, yes I welcomed him to come to my baptism, honestly didn’t expect him to, and was prepared for him not. By the time the day came, I hoped he wouldn’t but he did. No hi or good bye, no congrats, but via text then a message to guilt me about how he only came that day for me and I should be appreciative because he pushed aside other plans “just for me” but dude… you didn’t even say hello to me, let alone my parents and brothers… the same ones who you’ve talked to countless times and even tagged along on family vacation with us for a good week! The utter disrespect.

You see… I kid you not for the two months after breakup I beat myself up for my mistakes and even would take full fault to his friends. Me being a Christian genuinely, reached out to each person to apologize, ask forgiveness and I repented to God… all before my baptism . I was nice. I made sure to always be loving in the ay the bible describes in 1 Cor 13: 4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” However I got the feedback of me doing too much once again because I was sending scriptures 2-3x a week as someone trying to walk as a friend to man, despite our history. I wanted to be different, not react and fall apart like typical worldy trends in relationships and friendship fall outs. I wanted it the Christian way, but it still wasnt good enough and because even love was rejected, I told him dont worry about his “i forgive you, i just need time to forgive myself, and then we can talk and be friends again” because at that point, I just saw love didnt penetrate him and truth did not matter. At this point, he’d made me to be as ugly as any other woman he ever casually dated without relationship, and by all means he was cool with it. From his demeanor and actually some slipped in feedback, i took it he had actually done his damage to talk bad about me. Heck, he even said i abused him… (ayo, Zamz, you remember that bible study night and i was play hitting him and he called me an abuser and i freaked because i don’t joke with that because i have been abused myself? and you texted i’m and he told you he was just joking with me and i was being extra. and i was furious and actually really traumatized i actually believed id never talk to him for a while, but you persuaded me not be harsh, as he told me too that he was kidding…. well yea, that was a lie too because I was affirmed that he followed through with HIS friends to say i’m abusive!) (ago, ex boyfriends, please tell the world how i’ve never abused and put my hands on anyone, even my abusive boyfriend up until the last straw in saving my life literally!) .

All in all people are twisted, conniving, untrustworthy, full of sin, deceitful, betraying, unreliable, uncommitted, wishy-washy and always in it for themselves. I lost hard on this last one. I kept faith for so long until recent because I finally realize enough is enough, I do deserve better, and I don’t deserve someone who is selfish and lies. Someone who has proven in front of my very eyes to say one thing and do another…. and y’all I have stories for days!!!! I deserve better by far. The only faith I have is that only God can change people and that maybe just maybe He could be working more on him for me and for now we just can”t be at all. Cause frankly, I feel like I no longer, or ever knew the dude for all that’s been revealed to me. So much so I just about regret (almost). I mean, he’s never apologized to me… none of his friends either for the gossip and lies and what not. That whole thing never sorted out with facts under one consensus and accord, and personally, I for one don’t tolerate people like that around me. And for a fact, I don’t give a hoot what his friends say, that we had worse problems in relationship and weren’t going to make it anyway… that’s a lie, because they’ve always only got one side of story all while he was lying telling me he wasnt sharing business with anybody. And literally things went from good to demonic behind the scenes every time I was not given opportunity to defend myself because i thought he did. Either way, his loss.

I truly believe I’ve finally seen it all. He disgusts me so much, I beg God to completely erase him and entire things from my head as a whole, and if not to move me or him so we may never cross paths again because as over it as I am, i still hurts because I know for myself, I was selfless in my love. heck, we’d even joke about ring. LOL. He signed ‘Your Boaz’ and referred to me as his Ruth multiple times. And I admit, I may still love him at times, but it’s over for now. His texts about “in due time, all will be revealed” (not verbatim; i deleted everything, so i cant refer back now) seems so irrelevant to me now, like what’s it matter after all has played out. Even my gestures of love were taken completely wrong he told me (you know, the bible texts, smiles, being cordial)…. meanwhile, him, his brother & girlfriend wont even acknowledge me when/if im right in front of them. But I’m the bad guy? Tuh! And I reached out to all of them genuinely… but hey, that’s on them and God… He says repent and forgive. It’s not a one way street. And believe me love ain’t way pouring out of them to me… all because 1- no relationship 2- i ended up venting online, “cursing” angry about situation after i was lied to and left hangin’ in a messy mess. (Not ONE apology! I was only proactive lead, yet he all self righteous… *rolle eyes*). I pray for each one of them, I really do.

All the while, I’ve learned m lesson too. I’m a born again Christian and all I want now is to be the Godliest woman of God ever and work on me in becoming of a woman and prudent wife-to-be someday, I hope. I’m working on my faith too, and my discernment with others. I’ve learned more through this experience, not everyone is in your best interest even if they say they love you, and not everyone is deserving of my time, reaction or a word/response. As selfless as I am, I belief I’m one of the most bomb person to walk this earth. I’m strong and I always persevere. I’m too good to be compromising myself for anyone’s comfort. It[‘s either like me or you don’t; which ever way I love me and Jesus loves me even more than anyone could ever, and I will forever and ever remain faithful to just Him. Jesus is King. All the hate, lies, and sorrow in the world can never break me. I may lose my way sometimes or be lead to take a detour to test and show my strength, but I always come back stronger, harder, better, lifted higher and closer to Christ than ever before. And this time around I am back once and for all.

 

I’m happy to have shared all of my truth (almost) that I faced over the last 3 months. Thank you if you read all the way through. I apologize for the typos, length and venting some. This is my truth, my blog, my voice… and I dedicate me being strong enough to share the ugly for those who need the story, or to find someone to relate to, connect with, inspired by… Keep the faith. And I dedicate this gruesome post to the angels who helped remind me who God is, who I am, and to keep fighting like the warrior I am: Pst D Esmond, Pst. G Taylor, Pst. C. Brewer, Pst/Dr. Joseph, Dr. M-Gibbs, the Samuels, Tasha & Edwin, Raynard, Ruthie, Tamara D (soon to be Adams), my best Samantha C, best China J, Eleejah,  Ashley, Denae F, Gwen M,  my ipsy sister beauty creators (Cat, Osase, Mel & more), my mua sisters Jahan & kelly D, my cousin Angie/Erline, my dad, my two best brothers ever Reg & Dave, Lilly, my long time guy best friend Marvin J, Ronald A, Kaneo B, Alain M, Aiyahna, cousins Stephanie & Channelle N, Darchelle, Nikki, my Metro fam, my work fam, the admins of FB group PT worldwide, and lastly my trainer Ashley – she don’t even know it yet but gym and her in my life has saved me. When i wanted to give up, man oh man. I remember I felt so broken one session, i barely made it, i wanted to quit, i was so hurt, i couldn’t even explain and still haven’t, and all i could do was cry and i said “I cant” and i had to do 20 burpees & somehow God made a way. i cant remember the last time i had a moment like that night. The devil had me pretty good. I mean everything was wrong in life & within me I could hear ever so faintly “keep pushing, you got this, cry if you must but don’t give up, Jesus got you, He got you Christine, just trust him, don’t let go” … meanwhile she just looked past the tears that I know she could see, and she saw me! she saw me… a champ, and she kept yelling “don’t stop; no excuses” and another trainer, in that moment, stopped his routine, and got down with me to do these burpees, looking me straight in my eye, pushing me through. I experienced a glimpse of Jesus beside me and all around me right in those very moments. It was everything I needed in my life that night. I think I left and started crying again; got to my car and just praised God for victory amidst my heartache and stress)!

Thank you x 1milli <3

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